Manipulate, control, restrain, hold back...however you want to put it. I have noticed that just about every wife I have talked on a personal basis has been a part of "Operation Manipulate" when their S/O deploys. (of course this applies to GF and fiances too)
You know how they do when they feel like they have lost all control over everything because they are gone? Let's start with some examples of "Operation Manipulate", shall we? Here we go. Have you ever heard (on a more obsessive level, not just in reg conversation)....
...where were you?
...who are you talking to?
...what are you doing?
...you need to be on the computer when I get on (but then they complain that you are "always" on the computer)
...email me when you go somewhere so I know what you're doing
...you don't need to *insert what fits you here*, I can't do it because I'm over here
And some more extreme ones...
...if you keep going to visit people I will stop paying the car insurance so you can't drive.
...if you don't answer the phone every time I call I will have the phone shut off so you can't talk to anyone.
Or how about these...
...I am alone, you're not here for me (when in fact you are)
...you don't send me boxes (when in fact you have sent 20)
...I can do this alone, I don't need you
The examples can keep coming. They spout all this crap, knowing it is going to make you upset. They try to guilt you into doing what they want you to do all because they are deployed. "But I'm over here...."
Playing on your emotions because they KNOW you care and want to do what you can to make the deployment easier and to put their minds at ease.
You wonder, where did this green-eyed monster come from? This wasn't the man I knew before he left. When they come home, they are nothing like that. For those who have gone through multiple deployments it becomes a cycle.
How do you know you've been hit by "Operation Manipulate"? You've been hit if you have ever had a moment where you take a step back and basically say, "WTF is his problem? What is he talking about?" You are completely dumbfounded at him.
How do we handle it? Well, some handle it in many different ways. Bitch at them, ignore them, appease them.... I can't say there is any one particular right way, but maybe a combo of all is good. *wink* LOL
You may be able to find some helpful information here...
www.militaryonesource.com
www.tricare.com
www.militaryfamily.org
www.milspouse.org
www.fambooks.com/couples
That's about it for my little "rant". =)
Showing posts with label married. Show all posts
Showing posts with label married. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Can you "affair proof" your marriage?
I am reading a book, Forever in Love. It has devotional insights for developing love and intimacy in you marriage. I like to read these kind of books from time to time to help me think of ways to keep my marriage alive. In this book they talk about the "Ten Commandments for a Healthy Marriage".
Now, while I do believe some people just cheat or have affairs because that's just the kind of thing they are prone to do, I don't believe all people who have cheated set out with cheating in mind. (I'm sure I'll get some bitching for this...lol)
So, with this in mind, and thinking that unpremeditated affairs are usually brought about by an unfulfilling marriage, I am going to share what the "Ten Commandments for a Healthy Marriage" are. =)
Commandment #1 ~ Protect your day off at all costs and spend it together, as a couple, and as a family. I really do agree with this commandment. Nothing is more important than spending quality time together. I think this leads into the next commandment....
Commandment #2 ~ Eat dinner together. My mother-in-law, very wise in many things, has always said that getting together and sitting down for at least one meal a day is essential!! It helps you connect and share ideas when you take this time to focus on conversations when the rest of your day may be hectic. I think it is also something that can be looked forward too because you KNOW you have this SCHEDULED time to sit, eat, and deal with issues or even have some relaxing conversations.
Commandment #3 ~ Go to bed together (when possible of course, you know our lifestyle) In the book I'm reading it says that nothing undermines intimacy faster than separate bedtimes. You know you get mad when you're ready for bed but he wants to finish up some more COD on the game system! LOL.... Bedtime is another time to "touch and share" with eachother. Without set times, you may lose contact with eachother in the "busyness" of life.
Commandment #4 ~ Don't hold a grudge. Hope for your marriage lies in being able to forgive and forget. I know this personally! It's not good at all to let the things of the past that have hurt you rob you of your happiness of today and the future.
Commandment #5 ~ Don't take separate vacations. Sharing experiences help you bond.
Commandment #6 ~ Never let anything rob your marriage of sexual joy! We use sex to express love and to give pleasure. Sometimes to release tension and stress. While true intimacy is more than sex, it is never less than that either.
Commandment #7 ~ Pray together. I know not everyone believes in God, but for those that do, you know prayer is important. Nothing is more intimate than your personal relationship with God.
Commandment #8 ~ Play together. Playfulness and the ability to amuse your spouse are important. Inside jokes, cute nicknames, playful games.... we all need some fun! Nobody wants to feel like a "fuddy-duddy". LOL.
Commandment #9 ~ Pay attention to the little things because they mean a lot. Expensive gifts are nice and all, but what do we, as women, most of the time remember with that heart-melting feeling? The little things! A love note on your dresser when you get up in the morning, or a stuffed animal that says "hot stuff" sitting in the driver seat of your car, flowers for nothing other than to say "I appreciate you"... you get the point. This goes both ways though, we must do the little things too!
Commandment #10 ~ Pledge yourselves not only to physical faithfulness, but to emotional fidelity as well. You need to fulfill your emotional needs for your marriage, in your marriage. The needs you want out of your marriage don't come from friends, family or your career. It is easy to slip into emotional affairs!
Something I plan on doing, is talking these commandments over with my husband and seeing how we can integrate these more into our marriage. Maybe it would help if you, my reader, did the same. Only you know.
Now, while I do believe some people just cheat or have affairs because that's just the kind of thing they are prone to do, I don't believe all people who have cheated set out with cheating in mind. (I'm sure I'll get some bitching for this...lol)
So, with this in mind, and thinking that unpremeditated affairs are usually brought about by an unfulfilling marriage, I am going to share what the "Ten Commandments for a Healthy Marriage" are. =)
Commandment #1 ~ Protect your day off at all costs and spend it together, as a couple, and as a family. I really do agree with this commandment. Nothing is more important than spending quality time together. I think this leads into the next commandment....
Commandment #2 ~ Eat dinner together. My mother-in-law, very wise in many things, has always said that getting together and sitting down for at least one meal a day is essential!! It helps you connect and share ideas when you take this time to focus on conversations when the rest of your day may be hectic. I think it is also something that can be looked forward too because you KNOW you have this SCHEDULED time to sit, eat, and deal with issues or even have some relaxing conversations.
Commandment #3 ~ Go to bed together (when possible of course, you know our lifestyle) In the book I'm reading it says that nothing undermines intimacy faster than separate bedtimes. You know you get mad when you're ready for bed but he wants to finish up some more COD on the game system! LOL.... Bedtime is another time to "touch and share" with eachother. Without set times, you may lose contact with eachother in the "busyness" of life.
Commandment #4 ~ Don't hold a grudge. Hope for your marriage lies in being able to forgive and forget. I know this personally! It's not good at all to let the things of the past that have hurt you rob you of your happiness of today and the future.
Commandment #5 ~ Don't take separate vacations. Sharing experiences help you bond.
Commandment #6 ~ Never let anything rob your marriage of sexual joy! We use sex to express love and to give pleasure. Sometimes to release tension and stress. While true intimacy is more than sex, it is never less than that either.
Commandment #7 ~ Pray together. I know not everyone believes in God, but for those that do, you know prayer is important. Nothing is more intimate than your personal relationship with God.
Commandment #8 ~ Play together. Playfulness and the ability to amuse your spouse are important. Inside jokes, cute nicknames, playful games.... we all need some fun! Nobody wants to feel like a "fuddy-duddy". LOL.
Commandment #9 ~ Pay attention to the little things because they mean a lot. Expensive gifts are nice and all, but what do we, as women, most of the time remember with that heart-melting feeling? The little things! A love note on your dresser when you get up in the morning, or a stuffed animal that says "hot stuff" sitting in the driver seat of your car, flowers for nothing other than to say "I appreciate you"... you get the point. This goes both ways though, we must do the little things too!
Commandment #10 ~ Pledge yourselves not only to physical faithfulness, but to emotional fidelity as well. You need to fulfill your emotional needs for your marriage, in your marriage. The needs you want out of your marriage don't come from friends, family or your career. It is easy to slip into emotional affairs!
Something I plan on doing, is talking these commandments over with my husband and seeing how we can integrate these more into our marriage. Maybe it would help if you, my reader, did the same. Only you know.
Friday, June 18, 2010
The "Military Mistress" ~ my opinion
I've been reading about this woman since I first saw it online in the news.
For a recap or if you're unfamiliar with this woman:
34yr old accused in military scam
Military mistress busted
Now, from reading the stories, there are a few key points I'd like to point out:
1. According to the article this "woman" has been doing this for at least 17yrs
2. According the article, someone spoke to 40 "victims" and 11 ex-husbands
Notice how I have two words in italics and quoted. In my eyes, she is no woman at all. A woman does not need to lie, steal and cheat to make a living and get the things she wants!
I also think the word "victim" is questionable here. In no way do I think what Ms. Finley did was acceptable, but to claim to be a victim of her in this case seems a bit extreme to me.
One of the definitions of "victim" I found seems to fit this case - A person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of.
But, were these men really "victims"? Remember I stated what was in the article: 40 victims and 11 ex-husbands, which would be 51 total that this woman has scammed and in at least 17 years. That averages out to 3 men a year, 1 every 4 months, that she did this to. So, you have to ask yourself, "What the hell were these men thinking?!"
No one deserves to be treated the way these service men were treated, but what do you expect to happen when you marry, or get involved, with a woman you don't know and then hand her the proper tools to wipe you out?! These men made themselves easy targets.
Yes, I know there are relationships that happen fast and they get married within a few months of knowing each other and end up together in a "happily ever after" marriage. It's just my opinion that meeting and marrying someone you've only known for a few months is stupid.
Let me touch on the records of her 9 children that she has left all over the country. Seriously? What kind of person does that crap? It makes me wonder if she is "mental" or had a horrible upbringing herself. To just abandon 9 children is completely un-exusable. However, maybe she did them a favor because she is obviously not capable of caring for them.
There is one thing Ms. Finley said that I agree with to a certain extent. In this article, 'Military Mistress' talks about alleged crime spree, she says, "They're using me at the same time that I was using them." This statement reminds of this article, victims of "military mistress" speak, where a man stated, "she was the daughter of a famous general, and that she would be receiving a large sum from inheritance. She also said that she would only get that money if she was married by her birthday". So, how many men did she say this to? And how many married her because they were looking for a "large sum from inheritance"? Seems a little fishy to me.
Again, I want to repeat that this is all my opinion! LOL. The only people involved in this that I sincerely have sympathy for are the children who were brought into this mess.
/opinion =)
For a recap or if you're unfamiliar with this woman:
34yr old accused in military scam
Military mistress busted
Now, from reading the stories, there are a few key points I'd like to point out:
1. According to the article this "woman" has been doing this for at least 17yrs
2. According the article, someone spoke to 40 "victims" and 11 ex-husbands
Notice how I have two words in italics and quoted. In my eyes, she is no woman at all. A woman does not need to lie, steal and cheat to make a living and get the things she wants!
I also think the word "victim" is questionable here. In no way do I think what Ms. Finley did was acceptable, but to claim to be a victim of her in this case seems a bit extreme to me.
One of the definitions of "victim" I found seems to fit this case - A person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of.
But, were these men really "victims"? Remember I stated what was in the article: 40 victims and 11 ex-husbands, which would be 51 total that this woman has scammed and in at least 17 years. That averages out to 3 men a year, 1 every 4 months, that she did this to. So, you have to ask yourself, "What the hell were these men thinking?!"
No one deserves to be treated the way these service men were treated, but what do you expect to happen when you marry, or get involved, with a woman you don't know and then hand her the proper tools to wipe you out?! These men made themselves easy targets.
Yes, I know there are relationships that happen fast and they get married within a few months of knowing each other and end up together in a "happily ever after" marriage. It's just my opinion that meeting and marrying someone you've only known for a few months is stupid.
Let me touch on the records of her 9 children that she has left all over the country. Seriously? What kind of person does that crap? It makes me wonder if she is "mental" or had a horrible upbringing herself. To just abandon 9 children is completely un-exusable. However, maybe she did them a favor because she is obviously not capable of caring for them.
There is one thing Ms. Finley said that I agree with to a certain extent. In this article, 'Military Mistress' talks about alleged crime spree, she says, "They're using me at the same time that I was using them." This statement reminds of this article, victims of "military mistress" speak, where a man stated, "she was the daughter of a famous general, and that she would be receiving a large sum from inheritance. She also said that she would only get that money if she was married by her birthday". So, how many men did she say this to? And how many married her because they were looking for a "large sum from inheritance"? Seems a little fishy to me.
Again, I want to repeat that this is all my opinion! LOL. The only people involved in this that I sincerely have sympathy for are the children who were brought into this mess.
/opinion =)
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Let's take it back to the beginning, shall we?
I woke up one morning and was lounging around the apartment, not properly dressed of course..lol. Darrell tells me to go get dressed. Of course I ask him why and I tell him if he has visitors coming they can wait until after 12pm because the mornings were mine. He then tells me that army recruiters were coming, that he had an appointment with them. I laughed at this because I thought he was full of it!! He had never even mentioned to me that he was thinking of the army, well, not since right after high school, but he hadn't brought it up in years. So, I told him, "yeah right, whatever Darrell". He tries to convince me for a few minutes, but I didn't believe him.....not until I looked out the window when the doorbell rang. Standing at my door were two men dressed in spiffy green uniforms (which I now know as "class A's". I hurried to the bedroom to get myself together and Darrell had no idea how mad I was!! Not about his decision to possibly join the Army, but about him waiting until the very last second to tell me they were coming!! I had no time to do my hair or put on make-up and look half-way decent...lol.
So, we both spoke to the recruiters and listened to them. Darrell decided it was what he wanted to do and I stood behind him 100%, like I always do. We had a very short time before he was to leave for BCT and we decided to get married before he left to make things easier with all the paperwork. We got married 2 weeks later on his mother's porch... beautiful day in June... only a few people were there, close, immediate family and my best friend. We had a bbq as our reception and spent our wedding night at home in our apartment. Cherishing the time we had before he left for BCT.
Watching Darrell leave for BCT wasn't really hard. I was more excited than anything and it wasn't for that long. I had no idea what to expect because I knew absolutely nothing about the Army. He got to call a few times during BCT, but mostly we wrote letters and he sent cards, the Emily Matthews cards, real sweet and poetic. I, like many others I have heard talk about, sent my DH letters with heart stickers and such on them. One letter even had confetti in it!! The next chance he got, he called me and told me to stop because for every sticker he had to do so many push-ups. Boy did I feel bad because he had a letter coming to him with at least 50 tiny heart stickers and confetti inside. All I could do was warn him. (Sorry love!! lol)
So, he graduated from BCT and I was super excited to go see him. The boys stayed with my mom while I went with his parents to KY to support my husband. The first time I saw him in his uniform my heart melted. I thought he was the most handsome man I had ever seen!! I was so proud to walk next to him knowing the sacrifices he was now going to be making for us and I loved him more than ever. We had a few days together before I had to leave. He was staying there for his AIT and I had to go back home to Jersey. Leaving him that day was one of the hardest days of my life.
That's where our story begins in regards to our life as an Army family.
So, we both spoke to the recruiters and listened to them. Darrell decided it was what he wanted to do and I stood behind him 100%, like I always do. We had a very short time before he was to leave for BCT and we decided to get married before he left to make things easier with all the paperwork. We got married 2 weeks later on his mother's porch... beautiful day in June... only a few people were there, close, immediate family and my best friend. We had a bbq as our reception and spent our wedding night at home in our apartment. Cherishing the time we had before he left for BCT.
Watching Darrell leave for BCT wasn't really hard. I was more excited than anything and it wasn't for that long. I had no idea what to expect because I knew absolutely nothing about the Army. He got to call a few times during BCT, but mostly we wrote letters and he sent cards, the Emily Matthews cards, real sweet and poetic. I, like many others I have heard talk about, sent my DH letters with heart stickers and such on them. One letter even had confetti in it!! The next chance he got, he called me and told me to stop because for every sticker he had to do so many push-ups. Boy did I feel bad because he had a letter coming to him with at least 50 tiny heart stickers and confetti inside. All I could do was warn him. (Sorry love!! lol)
So, he graduated from BCT and I was super excited to go see him. The boys stayed with my mom while I went with his parents to KY to support my husband. The first time I saw him in his uniform my heart melted. I thought he was the most handsome man I had ever seen!! I was so proud to walk next to him knowing the sacrifices he was now going to be making for us and I loved him more than ever. We had a few days together before I had to leave. He was staying there for his AIT and I had to go back home to Jersey. Leaving him that day was one of the hardest days of my life.
That's where our story begins in regards to our life as an Army family.
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