Over ten years later I still think of it and wonder what could have been... but unlike some, I have learned to forgive myself. At the time I hated myself for it, I shaved my head because I wanted to be as ugly outside as I felt inside. I was torn and in pain emotionally and felt guilty as hell.
Here are three poems I wrote about it as a teen. They were written a year after the fact because until then I wasn't ready to face what I had done....
(1st poem)
Take a knife and
gut me out
destroy the soul
that swims about
Blood flows freely
as the soul goes
I wonder if it feels
I wonder if it knows
I ended a life
someone should take mine
maybe the wound
will heal in time
(2nd poem)
I am depressed,
alone and unsure are my thoughts inside.
I wish I had a special place
where I could run and hide.
I cry a lot
to let my depression flow,
I despise myself
for reasons only I know.
Alone with my feelings,
I drown in my thoughts.
I regret what I've done
because of the misery it's brought.
(3rd poem)
Bored and hopeless
I feel like I'm trapped.
Confused and clueless
my mind might snap.
Depressed and sad,
my life's a mess.
Hateful and mad
my fears I'll confess.
Frightened and scared
of myself and my life.
Tortured and scarred,
I want a knife.
You may be wondering if I tried to commit suicide... yes, I did. Thankfully I didn't succeed. So, here is a personal moment from my past... a deeper look into me. This is exactly why I don't judge those who have had abortions. I have been there, through a mental and emotional hell. If anyone reading this has been there and you still feel like I did at the time, learn to forgive yourself so you can live. I did. =)
I've been in that situation as well and it is not a decision that I will ever get over. I regret ever making the decision. To this day I feel if I was with another person at the time I would have had a voice and stood up and said NO! but because of the mental abuse this man was constantly causing I did it his way. It took me years before I could talk about it or even think about it without crying. I did finally tell my mother and we cried and cried. It is not an easy decision and one I hope my daughter will never have to make. If ever I "had" to do that again. I would probably lose my mind. Thank you for sharing your story. I know how hard it can be. :(
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you went through that... abortion alone is horrible, but going through mental abuse and having no one to talk to makes it worse. I hope my daughter never has to think about that either. If she does, I will share my story with her, in more detail of course, and than let her make her decision. Thanks for reading hon.
ReplyDeleteI've been thru it too Jamie, and not a day goes by I don't think about it and wonder. I completely regret it, but I can't take it back ya know. I was like you, completely hated myself for it, and I beat myself up about it constantly. But eventually I realized I had to forgive myself or I would never get on w/my life.
ReplyDeleteLove ya girl **hugs**
This is why I like to blog about some personal things...it let's others know they aren't alone...and I don't feel so alone either =)
ReplyDeleteThanks Renee! Love ya too!
This is why I really like you, Jamie. Thanks.
ReplyDeletethank you anonymous =)
ReplyDelete