Involving the Chain of Command - When is it appropriate?

A recent post on my Facebook page for army wives promoted me to write this piece. Please remember that this is my personal opinion. Where there are facts I will put (fact) before the statement. 

There seems to be some disagreement among the "spouse community" as to when it's appropriate to involve a soldiers Chain of Command in their "personal affairs". I'm sure most people can agree that there are times when CoC involvement is needed, but when exactly are those times? 

First, I'll deal with the "cheating problem" -- (Fact - Adultery is a crime punishable under Article 134 of the UCMJ) - in the 12 1/2 years that I have been a military spouse, cheating seems to happen often, and everywhere. While adultery is against military law, in my personal opinion, getting the command involved is situational. For example: if your spouse cheats and you decide to stay and work it out, I see it pointless to involve the command. Or, if your spouse cheats and you decide to leave (with kids), I also find it pointless to involve the command. Why? THE CHILDREN. If you go to command with proof of adultery and they decide to take action against the soldier, he could lose rank and/or pay. That hurts the children in the long run when it comes to his financial obligation to them. Now, if the cheating co-exists with physical and verbal abuse, or the soldier is neglecting duties (like bills) at home as a result of the adulterous relationship, then I think the command should be involved. 

Next, I'd like to touch on abuse -- emotional, verbal and/or physical abuse, against the spouse and/or children. (Fact - Army Regulation 608-18 establishes the Army policy for handling domestic violence issues.)  This is a situation, in my personal opinion, where it is extremely important for the command to be notified! If a soldier is being abusive at home, there is obviously something "wrong" with them and they need help immediately. Not only for the sake of the spouse/kids, but for the sake of themselves as well. You can say "oh the spouse should just leave", but we all know that many times the abuser has broken them down so bad that they feel it's impossible to leave (especially without help). And say they do leave, who will the abuser turn his attention to next? The abuser needs help, along with his victims. 

There have been times where women have written into my Facebook page about physical abuse against them and their children at the hands of their spouse, the service member. They were afraid and confused and didn't know how to get out of a bad situation. Every single one of those times, I found the information I needed (sometimes with the help of a few trusted friends) to contact, and forward the message, to the soldiers command, or unit Chaplin. I know, I know... THE HORROR! How could I do that? Why didn't I mind my business?! Simple. They came to me for help. If I did nothing and later found out a spouse or child was killed, or injured so bad they were in the hospital, I couldn't live with the guilt of knowing I could've helped but done nothing. One woman wrote me back and thanked me. Her husbands command got to the root of the problem and he was getting the help he needed and they, as a family, were on the road to recovery. 

Lastly, alcohol and/or drug abuse, this includes prescription drugs. Now, let's be honest. Who honestly wants to work with someone who is abusing alcohol and drugs? Not only does that put the abuser at risk for accidents at work, but everyone around them. If a soldier is abusing a substance, the need to enroll in ASAP, The Army Substance Abuse Program. (Fact - AR 600-85 says the command must be involved). Alcohol and drug abuse combined with depression and PTSD (among other issues service members deal with) is a recipe for disaster. In my personal opinion, getting the Chain of Command involved isn't even an option, it's a must. I would rather my husband hate me for involving command in a serious issue than end up dead because I didn't try to help. That's just me though. 

I'm going to ask members of my fan page about reasons they think you SHOULD NOT involve a soldiers command. That will be my next post. 

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The "I have it harder than you" Card -- really?

I received an inbox on my army wives fan page ( *Army Wives Do It With Hooah* ) from someone who is OBVIOUSLY just trying to twist some panties. So, instead of posting it directly on my page, like I normally do, I decided to address it here and then let others give their input.

Here is the message:

Twisted Panties, Oh My!

The other day I post a vent that was sent into my inbox on my fan page, *Army WIves Do It With Hooah*. This vent caused somewhat of an uproar. I said I agreed with some of it and disagreed with some of it, but I didn't really comment on it at the time because I was on my phone and didn't feel like typing it all out that way. So, I'll address it now. I'll also say now that when I say "you", I'm not addressing the person specifically who wrote this vent. I'm addressing everyone who feels that way lol it's generally speaking.

Here was the vent:

"I really just have a vent.

Okay. I realize that when you marry somebody in the military, or your husband joins, you get a dependent ID card, but that DOES NOT make you military. YOU didn't sign the paperwork, YOUR kids didn't sign the paperwork, he did(or wife in some cases). I am SO tired of hearing, "Civilians just don't understand what its like to be military". Last I checked, My husband just joined the army, not me, I AM a civilian, and so is our daughter. I didn't sign ANYTHING, my husband did.

Inquiring Minds Want To Know (small rant)

 Today I saw two things that just kind of boggled me. One was in a group on Facebook and the other was on my Facebook page - *Army Wives Do It With Hooah*

The first thing I saw, that was in the group, was a woman posted a picture that had a little rhyme that said something like "twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they're not a door". Well someone commented on it saying this girl was a hypocrite b/c she supposedly said she had previously cheated on her husband (as revenge for him cheating on her).

Military Spouse Community - Build Eachother Up, Stop Tearing Eachother Down

I've been contemplating on a post like this for a while and finally decided to do it. I've been a part of the military spouse community on the internet for at least 6 years now...from Myspace to Facebook. In the beginning of my "myspace days" I will admit, I was a pretty big bitch. We had our group where the new spouses would come in and we would literally attack. I won't say all the things we did, but we were horrible and looking back I'm ashamed of my behavior. I'd like to think that I'm making up for all of the stupid things I did by helping spouses now.

You're so ungrateful!!! *Shakes finger at you all angrily*

Not really...I'm just gonna vent a little bit. Feel free to disagree with me at any time, that's your right =)

Why is it that when the spouse of a service member complains they are called ungrateful? Okay, you may not say "you're being ungrateful" but saying "you should be grateful" is basically the same thing.

Spouses to blame? Not Completely...

There is all this "hoop la" about a wife who found out her husband had died in combat via text last week. My heart goes out to the families who have lost loved ones. In no way do I think how she found out was right...not at all. I would be horrified to find out that way and I'm saddened for her that she did.

You can read about it here - Army: Spouses to Blame for KIA Notification Fail

However, I think putting all the blame on the spouses of the unit is wrong. Yes, they are partly to blame. Even though there was a communications blackout, someone got word to someone else back home...meaning a soldier told his wife what happened. My husband has been deployed 4 times and been through numerous blackouts...there is ALWAYS a way to contact home if they want to bad enough. These soldiers should know whether or not their wives are busy bodies and will open their mouths.

From the article - “Truth can grow legs and change into rumor, and information is shared improperly before the Army can do the right thing.”

How true is that?!! How many times have people ran their mouth and people were told the wrong information? Something as little as "Sgt Jones tripped down the steps and broke his ankle" can turn into "Sgt Jones was ambushed and the enemy broke his leg." - What if someone was told their husband was dead and he really wasn't?

Maybe everyone, soldiers & spouses, should learn to keep their mouths shut about important things like this. Of course this is meant towards those who like to be busy bodies lol...

/rant

((remember this is solely my opinion lol))

The "Do's" & "Don'ts" of being a Military Spouse - from the gals on *AWDIWH*

I asked the ladies on my page to share their "do's" & "don'ts" and here is what they said: (in no particular order, just the order the gals posted in)(Note: some may not be posted b/c of repeats)

*Do support your husband as much as you can. DON'T listen to anything they say about dates. Meaning don't plan a thing.

*Do be proud of him, his job, and his service, but don't wear his rank.

*Stay away from the NEGATIVE NANCY!!

*Don't get caught up in post or neighborhood drama...just not worth it. Do have an open mind when meeting new people!

*Do love and HONOR him, don't ever leave them behind!

*DO stand by your soldier... DON'T try to do his job for him.

*Do take advantage of what privileges and benefits you are given as the family of a military service member, and be grateful with what you get. But don't feel or act like you're entitled to more, or anything as a matter of fact, just because you are married to someone in the military. The military doesn't owe you anything. It's already giving you a lot.

*Get involved in your community and FRG. Don't believe all the rumors you hear about FRGs. An FRG is what you make it.

*Educate yourself about the army. Take AFTB classes and other classes your post offers.

*Don't act like the second you get married, that you know all there is to know about being an Army wife. I have been married coming up on 14 years, and I STILL learn new things.

*Do not go to his chain of command about every little thing, and don't air your personal business to them. Unless it is truly important to your husbands career his health or the mission, just don't do it.

*DO put on your big girl panties and deal with what military life throws at you... DON'T whine and complain and bitch because things don't always go your way... you don't make the decisions, your husband doesn't make the decisions, the Army (or Navy, or Marines, etc.) make the decisions and your job is to support your husband's career choice and just go with the flow.

*Do ALWAYS pray for all of our servicemen. Do NOT make his career about you. Not saying you aren't important but he needs moral support at all times. Do make coming home easy for him. Do NOT make him fight you too, in the home. His professional life consists of being guarded and fighting.

*Don't: get upset when your husbands cell phone goes off all the time and during the middle of a conversation. HE HAS TO ANSWER IT. Lower enlisted get less calls and are not as busy as NCO's but they still get a lot of calls. Get used to it, your husband is the one who has to take the calls and carry his phone like another appendage.

*Do:Let your husband play his video games (if that's what hes into) I understand they can spend a lot of time on them. But for a man its a huge stress relief and stimulant. They need something to stimulate them other than the high stress demands of work. This "Do" applies to anything your husband might do to much as a hobby or entertainment. Communicate, compromise about having more us time and still allow him his time. But don't complain so much and get over it. They fight for our freedom and spend 12 months or more in a desert. LET THEM HAVE THEIR VIDEO GAMES!

*Live LOVE Laugh LEARN.

*Get to know other wives that have been around the army for a few years. You can learn something new...and if you are a "SR" wife.. Help the younger ones. Don't walk away from just because they are new to all this. You where there at one point.

*BIG ONE!! Never write addresses in pen!!

*Nothing is set in stone. Even after it happens...Don't plan things too far ahead, plans change on a dime.

*Do handle yourself like a classy woman regardless of the situation.

*Just be his wife. Plain and simple. And know that its OK to need him to be there for you as much as your there for him.

*Do what you can to make friends! Don't listen to other people when they say don't get involved with frg etc. Just because it didn't work for them doesn't mean it's not going to work for you! You could meet your best friend at a military function.

*Don't be a huge pain in the ass on a regular basis to your husband and his COC. Its not cute, people do not like you.

*Don't take your time together for granted. And be grateful he has a job...things could always be worse.

If you have more to add, leave a comment!

Here is the post these came from - Click Here to see the Post on my FB page!

MyCAA - Military Spouse Career Advancement Accounts

...also known as "Military Spouse Tuition Assistance"

The Department of Defense's expanded Military Spouse Career Advancement Accounts program (MyCAA) will provide up to $4,000 of financial assistance for military spouses who are pursuing associate degree programs, licenses or credentials leading to employment in portable career fields.

The MyCAA program covers the costs of associate degree programs and career training that leads to licensing, certifications and/or credentials in high-demand and high-growth industries.

There is a yearly cap on the available funds of $2,000. Additionally, military spouses must finish their program of study within three years from the start date of the first course.

To officially confirm your eligibility for the MyCAA program, start by opening up a MyCAA account by visiting the online MyCAA portal Web site. Once your spouse's DEERS benefit eligibility has been verified and approved, you can create your Career and Training plan. This plan involves identifying a career path, selecting a school or vocational program and outlining the courses you will need to take in order to meet your career goals. Your Career and Training plan will need be approved prior to receiving your funds.

Who is eligible?
Spouses of active duty service members in pay grades E1-E5, W1-W2, and O1-O2, as well as the spouses of activated Guard and Reserve members within those ranks. Spouses of Guard and Reserve members must be able to start and complete their courses while their sponsor is on Title 10 orders.

What does it cover?
A MyCAA account covers tuition for associate degree programs and vocational training courses that lead to licensing and/or industry certifications. This includes state certifications for teachers, medical professionals and other occupations requiring recognized certifications; licensing exams and related prep courses; Continuing Education Unit (CEU) classes including those offered through professional associations; and degree programs leading to employment in Portable Career Fields. MyCAA also pays for high school Completion courses, GED tests and English as a Second Language (ESL) classes.

Read more and get links at Military OneSource -

Hope this helps some =)

Out of Control...

Let's start from the beginning of this whole mess... I will not refer to people by their real names. I'm sure some involved are embarrassed enough, but I have to share this because I'm just dumbfounded at the ignorance and lack of control that I have seen this past week.

This started on Tuesday. My friend, whom I will refer to as "Spouse" dropped off her 2yr old for the day with me because I have been watching him for her. All was well all day long until my son came home and told me that "M" (a boy who lives 2 houses down) had my friend "Spouse's" other son on the ground after school with his arm twisted behind his back. Naturally, when "Spouse" came to pick up her baby, I let her know of this situation. She went next door to speak to "M's" mother, who I will now refer to as "Soldier", but she wasn't home yet. So "Spouse" let the two boys know that she would be coming back later to talk to their mother about what was going on.

A few hours later "Spouse" came over and I went with her to "Soldier's" house to try to resolve this issue with the kids. I went because my son is the one who saw the altercation. When "Spouse" and "Soldier" were talking, "Soldier's" other son, "A", was there. "Soldier" asked "A" what happened after school and he kept giving some jumbled explanation and then started getting hype and rude with "Spouse". Then "Spouse" says to "Soldier" in so many words that she needed to tell her boys not to be putting their hands on other peoples kids and they needed to be taught some respect. Well that didn't go over well with "Soldier". They exchanged some words and "Soldier" told "Spouse" - "you black bitch you need to take your ass back to the ghetto"... My face dropped!! I couldn't believe she said that. So then "Spouse" tells "Soldier" - "make me take my black ass back to the ghetto"... that is when "Soldier" hit "Spouse" and a fight broke out. "A" tried to jump on "Spouse" and I grabbed him and pulled him off yelling to get out of it before he got hurt. When "Spouse" saw the boy was trying to jump in it she backed away and turned around. Then "A" yelled out that "Spouse" punched him, which she didn't, and that caused "Soldier" to come up to "Spouse" and hit her again. Which resulted in her getting her ass beat...bad. The MP's were there, the ambulance, CID...it was crazy..

The next day, Wednesday, "Spouse" went to the school to let them know that her kids weren't gonna be there because of this altercation. You see, "A" was in the same class as "Spouse's" daughter "S". She knew there would be tension and she wanted to let it cool down a bit.

So, yesterday, Thursday, during school at recess, "A" was picking on and pushing "S" around. Nothing more happened with them... at that point. Well, my son comes home and tells me that "M", the same boy from Tuesday who had put his hands on "Spouse's" son, had pushed MY daughter in the back and then punched her in the back. Being my Pookie, she smashed the little boy in the face and ran home crying. I decided not to approach "Soldier" about her son because I was a witness to what had happened when "Spouse" approached her. I didn't need to be getting into a fight. I just figured, okay, the boy learned his lesson because my daughter shocked him by hitting him back.

Fast forward about 2hrs... "Spouse" comes to pick up her baby and told her about the boy hitting my daughter and we were talking about how "Soldier's" boys were out of control. "Spouse" goes home. Next thing I know, "Spouse" is rushing in my door telling me to call the MP's because "Soldier's" son, "A", had attacked her daughter "S" with a stick and a knife. He had pulled her hair, threw her on the ground and kicked her in the stomach. At this point I'm in complete shock. Srsly! What 10yr old kid does that shit?! My son saw the whole thing and made a report to the MP's...

Now, I had done had enough at this point and so had my friend "Spouse". I went to the MP's and filed a report about the boy hitting my daughter. I also went to the school to make them aware of the boy hitting my daughter. Together, "Spouse" and I went to the housing office and made resident complaints about "Soldier's" kids. I also gave them a copy of my sworn statement to the police. Turns out, they have a file already on "Soldier's" kids and "Soldier" said in one of the reports "they are kids on a military installation, that is what they do".

Now, all because "Soldier" doesn't have her kids in control, she is about to get evicted. Her command is being involved and everything. I'm pretty sure this is not going to look good for her army career.

So, there are more details, but that is the gist of it. This just goes to show that kids WILL behave according to their examples and kids who have no supervision and little discipline WILL be trouble makers.

I have not had problems living on post in 9yrs until this week. The problem was not with another wife, it wasn't some petty drama... it was out of control kids and a mother who apparently displays some questionable actions in front of her kids. If my kids went around hitting on others and calling people "black bitches" and "fags" they would not be able to even walk. Yes, "Soldier's" son "A" said those things....I heard him. SMH...

CONTROL YOUR KIDS LADY!!! /rant

Military SPOUSE Appreciation Day

I have seen some things about "military spouse appreciation day" that irked me. Some people think girlfriends and fiances should be included in this. I disagree. They say girlfriends and fiances go through the same things as wives do. This I agree with. There are things that we all go through the same... but I don't think "military spouse appreciation day" is about that.

To me, it isn't about the feelings we go through or "difficulties" of being without them while they are deployed or gone for long periods of training....and by no means at all am I down playing girlfriends or fiances.... I SUPPORT ALL... girlfriends, fiances, wives....

However, there are things that I think "military spouse appreciation day" is for that girlfriends and fiances aren't apart of or can't do.

Wives run the FRG and all FRG related functions.
Wives deal with Tricare.
Wives deal with DEERS.
Wives deal with transportion.
Wives deal with JAG.
Wives deal with finance.

It is things like this that make me think this is why "military spouse appreciation day" came about. It is the things that set the wives apart.

**of course I include husbands in this as well, but I said wives because I am a wife lol... =)

Just my little bit of 2cents...

Mental Health Awarness Month - May ~ Help our troops!!

May is "Mental Health Awareness Month" so I think this entry is pretty appropriate.

I'm very upset this morning as I write this. Do you know how many soldiers don't get help with their problems, when they KNOW they have them, because the doctors don't listen to them? Or the doctors are just assholes... or they fear ridicule, or reprimand... or they are always sent away with motrin and not taken seriously? Motrin doesn't cure everything!!!

Now, I know there are lots of soldiers who do get help, but even one who doesn't get help b/c they feel it is useless to keep trying is one too many being neglected.

In 2004 the Army's first study of  mental health of troops who fought in Iraq showed that 1 in 8 reported symptoms of PTSD. Did you know it also stated that less than half of those sought help for it because they feared it hurting their careers? So sad....

I know there had been more outreach and more being done to help our troops but I fear it just isn't enough.  Did you know that in 2002, the year before the Iraq War began, there were 350 suicide attempts among our troops? Well, in 2007 that number jumped to 2,100.

I urge every family member to encourage their service member to seek help if they have signs of depression or PTSD. I urge every service member themselves to seek help if you know need it. While I will never understand the pride in serving, or the fear in seeking help because you don't want to ruin your career, I do understand and can sympathize with the family members of those who suffer from mental health problems. I have seen it with friends and see what they go through because they feel helpless when it comes to helping their servicemember who is suffering. It is rough on everyone involved.

Soldiers coming back from war are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, PTSD, anger management, mood disorders... the list goes on... go to Military OneSource and use the resources to seek help, or at least find out where to start.

You can also seek out help through your local ACS (Army Community Service) and your post Chaplin. If you go to church, seek guidance from your Pastor.

While this started out as about our troops, I also know the spouses can develop mental health problems with all the stress and things that come about with deployments. You MUST take care of yourself, physically & mentally!! If you feel you need help as well, contact Military OneSource and have them set you up with counseling as a start. They will find someone in your area and it is confidential. I called them when we lived at Fort Hood and saw a wonderful therapist!! She helped me tremendously and it was a huge relief. Don't be afraid because you're not alone.

Here are two other previous blog posts of mine that may have helpful info for you too:
Family Support Systems
Risk Factors & Warning Signs for Families - Suicide Prevention

As always, thanks for reading... much love and many blessings =)

Job Search ~ Part 2: Opportunities

Finding a job will be a lot easier if you know where to look. Your options are not as limited as you may think they are. Consider the following options:

Federal Employment - Appropriated Funds ~ USAJOBS -find something in your area

Federal Employment - Non-appropriated Funds ~ these are government jobs, but these are paid for by locally generated MWR activities... Army Civil Service

Defense Contracting ~ examples: Bank and credit union employees, transition center employees, education center employees, computer techs at the telecommunications center, network planners and their support staff, payroll specialists, & aircraft and weapons technicians

Military Exchange System ~ Check out AAFES Careers

Self-Employment ~ If this is something you consider make sure you choose a business that can travel with you. Also make sure you no the rules and regulations on your post if you live in housing where it concerns home businesses.

Private Industry ~ Make it a point to visit the Department of Labor, Chamber of Commerce, and employment agencies in your area to find out about the opportunities there.

Opportunities Abroad ~ Going Global - International Careers

Volunteering ~ This can be a very beneficial choice if you absolutely can't find any work. Volunteering will help you keep your job skills current or help you learn new job skills. Volunteering can be put on your resume. It may also open the door to a new employment opportunity. Find out about volunteering by going to your ACS office.

**thank you Jenn for your input!! - Jenn P. - One very good thing that you forgot to add is temp services! Register for temp services. Some of their positions are temp to perm but even if they just lasts a few weeks, it allows you to network while bringing in some money. Also lets you start getting local references. You can be placed in a wide array of companies and that can help you figure out WHERE you want to work. Some temp services are worldwide (like Kelly Services) which is great for military spouses.

Don't forget to read Job Search ~ Part 1: Your skills

Job Search ~ Part 1: Your skills

Being a military spouse can have its downfalls when it comes to the career/job department. Many times we, as spouses, put our careers/jobs on hold for our servicemember. Than there are those who really didn't put anything on hold, but have trouble finding a job simply because they are a military spouse, lol. Jobs are limited and we constantly move, so it makes it kind of hard for us to find something. So I will be sharing tips and such out of several books that may help myself, or you, the reader. =)

(Personal note** It is really hard for me right now!! I have been a stay at home mom for the past 8 1/2yrs, since my husband joined. I have tons of skills, but no work experience...talk about bummer! But I'm determined to find something, which is why I have all these books for tips on finding and getting a job.)

Let's get started!!

Identify your skills - your skills represent your unique abilities to accomplish tasks...they are developed through a variety of experiences and there are 3 basic types of skills:

1. Self-management skills - these represent your personal traits...

accurate, active, adaptable, adventurous, aggressive, alert, ambitious, analytical, artistic, assertive, calm, candid, capable, careful, cautious, charismatic, clear-headed, clever, competitive, concerned, concise, confident, conscientious, conservative, considerate, consistent, cooperative, courageous, creative, decisive, dedicated, dependable, detail-oriented, diligent, direct, disciplined, eager, efficient, energetic, enthusiastic, factual, fair-minded, flexible, forceful, friendly, frugal, genuine, goal-oriented, hardworking, honest, imaginative, independent, industrious, innovative, intelligent, intuitive, inventive, logical, loyal, methodical, non-judgmental, open-minded, opportunistic, organized, perfectionist, precise, reliable, responsible, risk-taker, secure, self-motivated, sensitive, stable, talented, trustworthy, wise

2. Transferable or Functional skills - these are your mobile skills...they can easily travel between different types of jobs...

adjust, advice, alter, analyze, arrange, assess, assist, blend, budget, calculate, care for, classify, compare, compile, compose, compute, conceptualize, construct, consult, cook, coordinate, copy, create, decorate, demonstrate, diagnose, direct, drive, edit, entertain, evaluate, examine, follow up, formulate, guide, handle, improvise, include, influence, inform, insert, install, instruct, interview, investigate, learn, listen, manage, manipulate, measure, mix, motivate, negotiate, network, operate, paint, persuade, plan, post data, problem solve, publicize, read, record, refill, regulate, repair, report, sell, serve, service, sew, sort, supervise, synthesize, teach, test, type, theorize, transcribe, write

3. Work Content skills - also known as technical skills...these skills are task specific... skills you must have in order to accomplish a given task... for example, if you are a computer programmer, you must know how to program computers, or if you are a cashier, you must know how to operate a cash register...

Updating your skills or adding to them - there are several ways to do this...

1. enroll in a class at a local university or online
2. contact the family services support or community service center on the military installation where you are stationed, they may offer free skills-based training
3. volunteer your time to an organization in order to learn those skills
4. teach yourself new skills
5. if you are employed already, find out if your company will sponsor the training you want

You must know what employers want too... the three characteristics most employers seek are:

1. Ability to do the job that has to be done.
2. Willingness to do the job that has to be done.
3. Ability to fit in their company.

Specifically they want employees who:

1. Have knowledge and the ability to learn.
2. Possess solid decision making skills.
3. Can be flexible, adaptable, persistent and can take the initiative necessary to see a task through to completion.
4. Can effectively communicate and work in teams.
5. Can be assertive when necessary.
6. Have professional networking skills and a familiarity with the company's history and goals.