Saturday, January 8, 2011

The Hurt is Always There - (3 poems)

I have noticed that sometimes people think that those who have abortions think nothing of it, like they don't care about the choice they are making. If you're one of the people who think like that, you're wrong. I have been there and nothing at all was easy about deciding to do it or actually going through with it. Especially as a teen when you are not sure about anything, let alone a major life decision.

Over ten years later I still think of it and wonder what could have been... but unlike some, I have learned to forgive myself. At the time I hated myself for it, I shaved my head because I wanted to be as ugly outside as I felt inside. I was torn and in pain emotionally and felt guilty as hell.

Here are three poems I wrote about it as a teen. They were written a year after the fact because until then I wasn't ready to face what I had done....

(1st poem)
Take a knife and
gut me out
destroy the soul
that swims about
Blood flows freely
as the soul goes
I wonder if it feels
I wonder if it knows
I ended a life
someone should take mine
maybe the wound
will heal in time

(2nd poem)
I am depressed,
alone and unsure are my thoughts inside.
I wish I had a special place
where I could run and hide.
I cry a lot
to let my depression flow,
I despise myself
for reasons only I know.
Alone with my feelings,
I drown in my thoughts.
I regret what I've done
because of the misery it's brought.

(3rd poem)
Bored and hopeless
I feel like I'm trapped.
Confused and clueless
my mind might snap.
Depressed and sad,
my life's a mess.
Hateful and mad
my fears I'll confess.
Frightened and scared
of myself and my life.
Tortured and scarred,
I want a knife.

You may be wondering if I tried to commit suicide... yes, I did. Thankfully I didn't succeed. So, here is a personal moment from my past... a deeper look into me. This is exactly why I don't judge those who have had abortions. I have been there, through a mental and emotional hell. If anyone reading this has been there and you still feel like I did at the time, learn to forgive yourself so you can live. I did. =)



  1. I've been in that situation as well and it is not a decision that I will ever get over. I regret ever making the decision. To this day I feel if I was with another person at the time I would have had a voice and stood up and said NO! but because of the mental abuse this man was constantly causing I did it his way. It took me years before I could talk about it or even think about it without crying. I did finally tell my mother and we cried and cried. It is not an easy decision and one I hope my daughter will never have to make. If ever I "had" to do that again. I would probably lose my mind. Thank you for sharing your story. I know how hard it can be. :(

  2. I'm sorry you went through that... abortion alone is horrible, but going through mental abuse and having no one to talk to makes it worse. I hope my daughter never has to think about that either. If she does, I will share my story with her, in more detail of course, and than let her make her decision. Thanks for reading hon.

  3. I've been thru it too Jamie, and not a day goes by I don't think about it and wonder. I completely regret it, but I can't take it back ya know. I was like you, completely hated myself for it, and I beat myself up about it constantly. But eventually I realized I had to forgive myself or I would never get on w/my life.

    Love ya girl **hugs**

  4. This is why I like to blog about some personal let's others know they aren't alone...and I don't feel so alone either =)
    Thanks Renee! Love ya too!

  5. This is why I really like you, Jamie. Thanks.