The journal entry says:
"As you reflect on the times you felt scared, what comes to mind?"
When I think of times I have been scared, one moment in time comes to mind the most. My husband had just left to go back from R&R on his third deployment and my aunt called me to let me know my mother, who was dying of cancer, was going down fast.
At this point, my mother wasn't really talking or doing much of anything. I like to hope that the doctors had her too doped up to feel any pain. It's been over 2yrs now since my mother died. Her dying isn't what scared me, or even the cancer that took her life. What scared me was what I had to do.
I had to find the courage some where in my soul of pain and grief to tell my mother to let go of her life. I hadn't even heard if my husband was back safely in Iraq and I had to talk to my mommy and tell her it was time to go. We think she was holding on, not sure for what, but we think maybe my brother's bday since it was only a day or two away.
My aunt called me and I told her I wanted to talk to my mom. I didn't know if she would be able to hear me, but I think she did b/c my aunt said it seemed like she from whatever she was doing when I was on the phone. I was scared she wouldn't know who I was, but mostly I was scared of what I was about to tell her....
"Mommy, it's Jamie. He left this morning to go back to Iraq. I'm sorry we couldn't come see you. Mommy, I want you to know that I love you very much and so does JT and Jackie. Mommy, I promise you that JT is gonna be fine, we're gonna make sure he gets straightened up. You don't have to worry about Jackie b/c she is with a great family and she is being taken care of and living how you would want. We all love you, and we'll all miss you very much, but you have to let go now. It's time for you to go on to a place where you can live again and not be in pain. Mommy, just let go and move on. I love you."
My mother died the next day. The fear I felt in my heart, telling her that, doesn't come close to any other fear I have ever had.
The pillow I ordered with all the flowers for her funeral:
REF*The Art of Caring*